So here I am...again.

I think I am dire need of blogging again. I have so much going on. SO if you don’t want to hear my ramblings…stop reading……..

These post may sound “poor me” in attitude…..but I don’t give a fuck.

Where do I start? I just turned 44, going through an actual great divorce (amicable) and my children and I are healthy. So what gives?

My mental health. I am stressing about the money I don’t have, even though I try to work 48hrs+ a week, because I put myself in debt.

I am angry with myself and will be doing a tight budget soon and refinancing (when APR’s go back down) in my name, taking a cash out to pay off my debt. Then my Credit Cards go in the shredder.

My mental health is…well, in the shitter.

I am truly happy in my heart for all those around me. I really am happy to see them moving on in life and in love.

Then there is me. I am FINE single, I don’t need anyone with me to show me love or self-worth. I just feel……replaced.

I am going to start landscaping and cleaning my dirty, mental health trashed house (no I am NOT a hoarder, just clutter). Keeping my MIND off of things and people for a while.

I am going to be having a dumpster dropped off and getting a burn pit again going.

I am going to work on my landscaping and making my yard look good again for my dogs to RUN.

My dad is my hero. He is working on my ride-on mower as I write this for me to be capable to mow my forest of a lawn again. THIS makes my whole week, then it’s going to rain today. FITTING.

I have major feelings on what I consider my best friend now, which I don’t think she feels the same “best” thing. She is already dating someone and are very happy (talking RINGS!) and I am happy for them.

But again, I wish I would have met her first, before her partner, but at the same time, she would have gotten tired of me already. It’s the usual case. I am either shut down or over loving. I need to find a middle ground…..just with me and for ME.

When I see pictures of them together, I am HAPPY for them. Extremely happy! BUT a little jealous (which is NOT me, never has been) and I don’t know the person that I am anymore.

I want nothing but the WORLD for her, in which I could have probably not provided for her anyways.

Funny how you think there is that one person that got you immediately, but they are so out of your league/reach. She found someone that made her happy for once. Taking chances she don’t even know she could have even taken. This makes my SOUL happy.

The what ifs…they kill me. I can’t think about anything lately, other than her. Yet I know she doesn’t feel the same now or……..ever. I want her to have her happily ever after with him and it will satisfy me to know he is taking care of her…..like I would have probably failed at, miserably.

I have the WORLD to offer to myself not just others, if I would just stop being tired and lazy. Caught up in my MIND which is haunting me daily. I am going to talk to my Dr. about upping my medication and maybe even taking another to boost my mood.

I really need to break off from my NORM and start living more than what I am doing. NOTHING.

I am going day on trips with the kids and sometimes just me. Not far, but to decompress. I am going to be spending more time with my parents. I am going to take a break from social media and the stupid PHONE in general that rots my mind.

I am going to watch that extended version and re-watch my favorite shows.

I am going to get out in the outdoors more, even in with my Heliophobia and Serenophobia….

I need to do this all for me…starting NOW.

Then I will start to be the best me…….again.

Cheers.